Fifteen-year-old Ivy Lewis's world is torn apart when her father leaves her mother. She doesn't know if her father left or her mother made him leave. All she knows is that one Sunday in June they decided things were not working. The novel begins three months after Ivy's father has left and Ivy and her mother are like "planets in constant orbit", never really connecting on any level. Her father moved to a modern condo downtown which Ivy has visited twice, the second time finding a photo of his new girlfriend. Since then, Ivy has not returned, instead meeting him for pizza or seeing a movie together with her brother Sky.
Ivy's mother is unable to cope with the divorce. After her father left, Ivy's mother has pulled away, often drinking or staying in her bedroom. Meanwhile Sky has left home to attend cooking school, leaving Ivy alone with her mother and their empty, silent home. Ivy hopes the beginning of the school year will be her salvation. She's going into grade 10 and loves school because it organizes her day, she can reconnect with her best friend Anna and she starts calculus.Ivy loves math with its unchanging numbers and equations with a solution.
"Numbers never decide one day
they are
just not working...
Numbers keep their promises."
It's at this time that Ivy notices changes in her body; she's bigger, has breasts, her hips are fuller and she's taller. In contrast, Ivy's mother is bony and fragile. Ivy notes that she's grown two inches over the summer. Ivy doesn't want to be six feet tall like her brother and father. She wants to be small and compact so she can be "curled up, safe."
Ivy's plan is to go to a top school to study organic chemistry and advanced calculus and become an engineer. She refers to herself as Smart Girl who makes responsible choices. At school Ivy meets her best friend Anna who's been away all summer in France, living with her mother and taking French. Ivy and Anna's reunion does not go as Ivy anticipated. Instead she finds Anna has a new friend, Raquel whom she met in France. While Anna and Raquel share stories about their time in France, Ivy feels left out. In calculus class, Ivy, the only sophomore in the junior class meets their new teacher, Ms. Fulton.
As the school days pass, Ivy finds herself reminiscing about how her mother and father were before they split up and how good her family life was. Ignored by her mother who is struggling to cope with the breakup of her marriage and her friend Anna, Ivy turns inward focusing on her body. A sleepover with Anna reinforces how much they've grown apart. While Ivy still loves Wicked, Anna has moved on to boys, smoking and drinking. After the sleepover Anna goes home to an empty house and ends up biking so she can't think about what's happened to her family and to her and Anna. When she returns, Ivy orders a pizza and eats all of it. Disgusted with herself, she goes into the bathroom and makes herself vomit it up.
School continues to go well for Ivy as she does the extra math problems Ms. Fulton assigns. Ms. Fulton recognizing Ivy's ability, offers her a chance to apply to the statewide mathematics competition. Ivy is ecstatic because she feels this is the first step in her plan to get away from home. She researches top engineering programs and begins planning how "Smart Girl" can get out like her brother Sky did.
But when her friendship with Anna falls apart and her mother slips deeper into depression, Ivy feels her life slipping out of control. Critical of her changing body she begins exercising and restricting her food intake. At first Ivy finds she can keep up her school work, but soon restricting, purging and counting calories consumes her life. It isn't until a serious accident forces Ivy to face her problems that Ivy begins to accept herself and her life.
Discussion
This Impossible Light tells the story of a young girl whose world falls apart after her parents break-up and her journey towards healing and learning to live again. Myers has used free verse to tell Ivy's story, breaking her poetry into five sections titled Unknown Variables, Compression, Limits, Discontinuous Function and Exponential Growth. Each title is a math term, reflective of Ivy's love of mathematics but is also representative of Ivy's life. For example in Unknown Variables her life is changing rapidly; her parents' marriage breaks up and her friend Anna returns from France a very different person. In Limits, Ivy's body finally reaches its limit when she passes out on her bike and crashes.
The first set of poems in This Impossible Light are truly heartbreaking as they chronicle the break-up of Ivy's family when her father leaves and the effect her parents divorce has on her. The loss of her father affects Ivy deeply. She describes her
"Dad making soup on Sunday afternoons
in a huge pot on the stove
belting jazz standards as he stirred."
Her parents separating destroys the family life Ivy loved so much and in several poems Ivy reminisces.
"All of us driving every summer
to the Oregon Coast...
All of us around the coffee table
playing charades.
Me, seven or eight,
running excitedly around the living room."
Post-breakup, Ivy has to deal with her father having a new girlfriend who is described as "redheaded, round-faced, smiling." In the poem "A Few Weeks", Ivy confronts her father, refusing to accept his attempted "explanation" of why he had to leave.
After setting the back story to Ivy's life as it is now, Myers chronicles her spiral into a serious eating disorder and the beginnings of her recovery. When her relationship with her parents breaks down and her friendship with Anna collapses, Ivy turns inward in an attempt to control her life. At first Ivy identifies herself as a "Smart Girl", someone with goals and high expectations who plans to be an engineer. As a "Smart Girl" she doesn't smoke, flunk a test on purpose, or "stay up all night eating cereal and ice cream." She makes responsible choices like going to bed early, getting A's and exercising. But Ivy wishes that sometimes she could do some of those things. In the poem, "It's Not", Ivy states that this is how she "understands" she's supposed to be because she's always been told she's smart.
"When you're told enough times
the way that you are
it doesn't seem like
you're allowed to be
anything
else."
But soon she becomes critical of herself, noticing that her body has changed; she is getting taller and bigger. Ivy doesn't want to do this, instead she wants to be small and compact - "able to curl up into small shapes like I used to." Myer draws in several of the typical social influences that girls like Ivy are exposed to today; teen girls focused on their bodies (Anna hates how her legs are muscular from soccer), the emphasis on looking beautiful, and the effect of ads for diet pills. Girls who wear perfectly fitting jeans and no frizz hair are seen to be in control. In the poem "When I Pass", Ivy states,
"The skinny bodies say: Keep going, you're almost there.
The round bodies say: This is what happens when you lose control."
It's no wonder Ivy comes to believe she is not good, responsible, careful, strong or healthy."
When Ivy is confronted by the doctor after her accident about her eating habits she struggles to understand that what she's been doing is wrong because she was trying to be good. Wasn't she merely doing what everyone else seems to be doing? Fortunately for Ivy, she is able to tell her mother, who suddenly becomes attentive to her needs, about what has been going on inside her. Ivy's openness about her eating disorder is unusual as most teens with eating disorders take some time to admit they have a problem and to actually own their illness. Ivy is helped by her mother's admission about her own struggle with anorexia and how these thoughts might always be with her. Her mother encourages Ivy to seek help, because "this isn't something you can control on your own."
Although Ivy's swift recovery is a bit misleading, Myers does a good job of showcasing some of the characteristics of eating disorders and how adults can help. In the poems involving Ivy's therapist, Dr. Clarke, "Mom's Words" and "You Know" identify control as a major component of eating disorders. Dr. Clarke gives Ivy permission to grieve over the loss of her parents, validating her pain. With the support of her mother and her specialists, Ivy begins her path to recovery. Acknowledging her pain over the divorce also leads her to talk to Anna and restart their friendship.
This Impossible Light is a brutally honest portrayal of the effects of divorce on children (and those left behind), and how one girl took her pain out on her own body. Myers, who is a self-described writer, feminist and witch, has given voice to two very important issues many teens have to confront in our post-modern world.
Book Details:
This Impossible Light by Lily Myers
New York: Philomel Books 2017
339 pp.
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