My Heart and other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga

"I can't help but laugh. If I have a boyfriend, his name is Death. And I'm pretty sure Roman is in love with him, too. It's like a love triangle gone wrong. Or maybe it's a love triangle gone right: we both get the guy on April 7."

Sixteen year old Aysel Seran lives in Langston, Kentucky with her mom, stepdad Steve, and her half sister, Georgia and brother, Mike. Aysel is obsessed with killing herself. Her life is hell after her father was sent to prison for murder.

While working at Tucker's Marketing Concepts, Aysel joins an online suicide group, Smooth Passages which is dedicated to helping people kill themselves. Aysel sees a message on the Suicide Partners forum which pairs up people who help each other commit suicide, and decides to respond to it. The message is from a seventeen-year-old boy who lives in the adjacent town and who uses the handle FrozenRobot.

Aysel's life has been made intolerable by her father committing a crime which is only fully revealed to readers near the end of the novel. That crime involved the death of Langston's golden boy, Timothy Jackson, three years ago. Timothy was Langston's Olympic hopeful in track and field.

She's lost her friends who "scattered as fast as they could once the news of my dad's crime traveled through the halls of school".  As a result of her father's incarceration, Aysel has come to live with her mother and Steve full time and she feels she's never really fit into her family. "I've never fit, not really before my dad lost it, and certainly not after..." Aysel believes she is a constant reminder to her mother of her dad and her potential to become a criminal like him. For Aysel suicide is the means to prevent "myself from growing into the person I've terrified of becoming."

Aysel and FrozenRobot, whose name is Roman Franklin, meet at the root beer stand on Route 36 which is between their two towns of Langston and Willis. When Aysel sees Roman for the first time, he's not what she's expecting. He's tall, lanky with "buzzed chestnut-colored hair and deep-set hazel eyes." Roman doesn't look like someone who is intent on committing suicide because he looks like he cares about his appearance and he seems to be popular at the root beer stand where the waitresses flirt with him. However, to Roman, Aysel does fits the part of someone who wants to kill herself because she looks so terribly miserable. From their first meeting, Aysel learns that Roman is an exceptional basketball player, who used to work out with Brian Jackson, the younger brother of the boy her father killed. However, he no longer plays the sport he loves so much.

At school, Aysel's physics teacher, Mr. Scott, assigns a project to the class that involves taking pictures to illustrate the principles of the conservation of energy. Mr. Scott chooses the teams by picking names out of a hat resulting in Aysel being paired with Tyler Brown. Aysel doesn't care much about completing the project because it is due after April 7th, the date she and Roman have chosen to kill themselves.

The second time Aysel and Roman meet, Roman reveals why he wants to commit suicide. One day Roman was babysitting his nine year old sister, Madison, who suffered from seizures and couldn't be left alone. However, Roman had his girlfriend over and while he was making out with her, Madison had a seizure and drowned in the bathtub. He gets little sympathy from Aysel though, who believes that unlike her, the world does feel compassion for Roman and what happened to him.

Aysel and Roman drive up to Crestville Pointe which is a park overlooking the Ohio River to scout out a location to commit suicide. Aysel refuses to tell Roman why she wants to kill herself and he tells her that he wants to know because if her reason is stupid he will try to talk her out of it. Aysel begins to see how Madison's death has affected Roman. Although he is classically good looking, the type who is popular in school she realizes "...the more I stare at him, the more I see his grief wrapped around him like shackles he can never take off. I try to imagine him without the grief...but it's hard to see him as anything other than desperately sad." Roman wants to jump off the cliffs at Crestville Pointe and into the Ohio River because he feels that drowning like Madison did is the right way to die.

The next day when school is canceled due to snow, Aysel's half sister, Georgia calls Aysel out on her attitude. She tells Aysel that her dad has given Aysel a home, implying she should be grateful. She tells Aysel that she is not to blame for what her father did. "I'm tired of you spending every day feeling sorry for yourself just because of what your dad did. Newsflash: You aren't your dad. And you should stop blaming everyone else for what he did. Yourself included." Aysel is touched by the concern of her half sister who tells her "I just wish you weren't so sad all the time, Aysel" and the love of her half-brother, Mike who begs his mom to make sure she puts more chocolate chips in the pancake batter because "Aysel loves chocolate chips." Suddenly Aysel realizes that leaving them is going to be difficult.

Tyler and Aysel decide to take pictures at the zoo for their physics project and arrange to go to Louisville the following Saturday. At Roman's on Friday evening, Aysel agrees to allow him to tag along with her and Tyler. Dinner at Roman's home makes Aysel feel good because she's the center of attention which she surprisingly enjoys; Roman's mother cooked a Turkish meal for her, wants to know her opinion on everything, and she is friendly and kind towards Aysel. However, the fact that she mistakenly believes Roman's interest in Aysel is a sign he is recovering from his sister's death makes Aysel feel guilty.

On Saturday, Georgia invites herself to come with Tyler, Roman and Aysel to the zoo. At the zoo, Tyler tells Aysel that Georgia is trying to be friends with her and that she is concerned about her. Talking to Roman about Georgia leads Aysel to realize that she wants to see her father before she dies. Roman doesn't like this because he considers that Aysel is trying to find reasons to live, however, he decides he will go with her to see her dad.

After rummaging through papers in her mother's bedroom, Aysel learns that her father is at McGreavy Correction Facility. She calls the facility and then decides to visit the following Saturday. With eleven days before April 7, Aysel starts to become more involved in life. She finds that actually doing her work makes her shift at TMC go faster, and then she invites Roman to go with her to the Langston carnival, the one place she can remember being truly happy.

At the carnival, Aysel tells Roman more about going to see her dad and that he is in prison. When Roman seems unfazed by this, Aysel is grateful for his unconditional acceptance of her. However, Roman is more concerned with why she wants to see him and he is convinced that she is "flaking out" on him - not intending to go through with jumping off of Crestville Pointe.

Aysel and Roman plan to visit McGreavy Correctional Facility and then go camping for a night. Roman continues to be puzzled as to why Aysel wants to see her father. When things don't work out at the facility, Aysel and Roman spend the night at a muddy campground, eating hotdogs and drinking red wine. During their night together, Roman kisses her and holds her in his arms, making Aysel finally recognize that she no longer wants to die. Roman tells her that this shouldn't change anything, that he needs to remember Madison and she needs to remember her reasons for wanting to kill herself. It is her reasons that stop Aysel. She's afraid that if she tells Roman her reasons for wanting to commit suicide he will agree that she has to die.

Aysel now realizes that her relationship with Roman has changed her perspective. "He's no longer the person I want to die with; he's the person I want to be alive with." But can Aysel give Roman a reason to live, can she do for Roman what he did for her?

Discussion

My Heart and other Black Holes is a deeply moving novel that portrays teen depression and suicide in a way that is intensely realistic. The message is one of hope, that no matter how dark the depression may be, it is possible to overcome the sadness. My Heart and other Black Holes portrays that difficult, sinuous journey out of darkness and into hope.

Warga offers readers two teens who are contemplating suicide as a result of  life-changing events they have experienced. Both Roman and Aysel have withdrawn from life despite both having things in life that they deeply love. In Roman's case, his guilt doesn't allow him to pursue the things he enjoys; he has stopped playing basketball which he excelled at, stopped training with another athlete and abandoned his friends. Roman's guilt tells him he deserves to die.

For Aysel, her father's incarceration leaves her feeling unmoored and deeply depressed; she's now living with her mother whom she does not feel close to.  She's angry and jealous of her younger sister, Georgia who seems to fly though life. Aysel doesn't do her job at the call center and she avoids participating in class, even in physics which she loves. Her father's crime has changed Aysel's perception of herself and those around her. Aysel believes she will turn out like her father. Suicide is the preventative to that happening.  "Without me, my mom won't have to stay up at night, worrying that the criminal gene, the murderer gene, was passed to me and that any day now, I'm going to blow up the school or something awful like that... I want to say that I know for sure that I'm different from my dad...But I'm not sure. Maybe the sadness comes just before the insanity...All I know is that I'm not going to stick around and find out if I become a monster like my dad."

It is this theme of perception or as Aysel describes it, perspective, and how our perspective affects how we live our lives, that dominates the novel. Aysel's perception of herself and others is deeply distorted at the beginning of the novel but undergoes a significant change throughout the novel. Although in the beginning of the novel,  she acknowledges that her mother used to look at her "with a combination of love and longing" before her father's crime, she now believes her mother views her not with love but with suspicion. "She'd never say it, but I am an intruder in their happy home. An infestation. I've gone from being a bruise to an open festering wound." Aysel also believes those around her do not like her, that she inspires "the desire to wash their hands clean".  At school she states "...I can hear their whispered insults, but it all sounds like a mumble of hisses to me..." Aysel admits that although she lost most of her friends after what her father did, her best friend, Anna Stevens stuck by her but Aysel pushed her away because it was for Anna's own good.  She describes Mr. Palmer, her boss at TMC as speaking to her like she's "a stray mutt raiding his garbage can."

Roman begins to pull Aysel out of herself because she notices that despite his handsome, boy-next-door good looks, he is wrapped in grief. In physics class, Mr. Scott asks his students about Einstein's Theory of Relativity. After pressing Aysel she responds, "Doesn't it have to do with how our perception of things can't always be trusted?" - a foreshadowing of what Aysel will come to realize about her own life and Roman's life too. After giving a brief description of Einstein's theory, Aysel states that time isn't constant and that "it's all about the perception of the observer."  This causes Aysel to think about the last few weeks of her life since she met Roman and they made the decision to die together. "Ever since I met Roman and made the Crestville Pointe jump plan, time has flown by. I want to believe that the change has nothing to do with Roman. That maybe time just moves the quickest at the end...I know everything is close to being gone forever, so my desire to rush it is a little less."

This leads to Aysel beginning to try to savour moments that she won't experience again, like eating her granola bars slowly so she can taste the chocolate chips, tasting the citrus in her orange juice, or doing extra practice problems in physics because she loves it so much.  However, this begins to have the opposite effect in that it slowly awakens in Aysel the desire to live.

What ultimately changes Aysel's perspective on life is her trip with Roman to see her father. On the drive to McGreavy, Roman does a sketch of Aysel using charcoal pencil. After visiting the correctional facility, while camping, Roman admits that he cares about the things that Aysel cares about and he knows he's made her happy. But Roman insists that this perception isn't real, because (their) "happiness is fake, it's fleeting." and they need to remember their reasons (for wanting to die).

But Aysel knows that their changing perceptions are important and have made a difference - at least to her. Meeting Roman has changed her.

"But maybe meeting Roman has helped me to understand myself better. Yes, I'm broken. And yes, he's broken. But the more we talk about it, the more we share our sadness, the more I start to believe that there could be a chance to fix us, a chance that we could save each other."

"Everything used to seem so final, inevitable, predestined.But now I'm starting to believe that life may have more surprises in store than I ever realized. Maybe it's all relative, not just light and time like Einstein theorized, but everything. Like life can seem awful and unfixable until the universe shifts a little and the observation point is altered, and then suddenly, everything seems more bearable."

When Aysel looks at the drawing Roman did of her, she is astonished because the drawing shows her as she could be. "The girl I'm staring at is not me, but she is me. Her large eyes are focused away from the viewer, but there's something in them I don't immediately recognize: hope. Her posture looks straighter than mine, like she's stronger, more resilient."

Roman's drawing gives Aysel the hope she needs to grasp on to and so she takes the drawing as a keepsake. "I need it to remind myself that I can be this girl, that this girl is inside of me. This hopeful, strong person."Aysel becomes that strong person, the person that Roman sees and she repays him by saving his life. Later, Roman admits that he drew the picture "To try and show you the person I see when I look at you, not the person you seemed to think you were."

Aysel's change in perspective is also demonstrated by her relationship with her mother and sister.  Her distorted view of how her mother views her undergoes a transformation by the end of the novel. When Aysel tells her mother that she's not going to turn out like her father despite the fact that she is sad all the time, her mother admits that she did not know how to talk to her about what happened. That she was afraid to say and do the wrong thing. Aysel's mother asks her to open up and talk to her about her sadness, demonstrating that she does not share Aysel's earlier perception that she would become like her father.

Aysel's perspective about Georgia, the stepsister who by Aysel's reckoning she hasn't "had a real conversation with in about two years" is also distorted. At the beginning of the novel she describes her sister as "not having the time to worship anyone other than herself" and as someone who "loves the sound of her own voice."  She describes her stepsister as being like the sun while she is "like the bumpy, brooding moon." But on the morning of the snow day, Aysel realizes that perhaps her mother, Georgia and Mike actually do care about her when she overhears their conversation at breakfast. Later on Tyler tries to convince Aysel that her step-sister really does care about her.

One of the strengths of this novel is how Warga describes what it feels like to be depressed. Aysel's depression is personified by a black slug - an image that is both ugly and scary. Aysel describes what she's feeling as though something is wrong inside her. "I bet if you cut open my stomach, the black slug of depression would slide out."  The black slug is something that "devours any happy thoughts I allow myself".  She claims she hasn't cried since she was ten. "I think it's because the black slug sucks up any of my potential tears." But as her perspective on living changes, Aysel wishes that the black slug in her didn't exist.

One unique strength of this novel is how the author has incorporated her knowledge of science and specifically Einstein's Theory of Relativity into the story line. It is an interesting facet to this novel because it helps develop the theme of perception and time.

My Heart and Other Black Holes is an outstanding piece of realistic fiction that is deeply emotional in its portrayal of depression and suicide. Warga's writing will resonate with teens and adult readers alike. We all know someone who has contemplated suicide, maybe someone who has committed suicide, someone who is depressed or deeply sad. We can change the conversation about mental health issues especially when it comes to young people, by reaching out to one another when we see someone struggling. Aysel and Roman's families recognized that they were struggling but were unable to move forward and help them.

Jasmine Warga writes that she wrote My Heart and Other Black Holes because of the death of a friend and the writing allowed her to process what she was feeling. Warga writes in her Author's Note at the back that, "My Heart and Other Black Holes has always been a story about the people who understand you, all of you, even the scariest and weirdest parts of you. It is about those people who come into your life when you least expect it, in the strangest of ways, and change everything -- it is about the importance of letting those people in, of opening up to them. It is about the people in your life who help you to see yourself differently and the true power of human connection."

In the words of Aysel, "I want you to live for you because I know there's so much more waiting for you. There's so much more for you to discover and experience. And you deserve it, you might not think you do, but you do. I'm here to tell you that you deserve it." 

Amen.

Book Details:
My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga
New York: Balzer + Bray, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers     2015
302 pp. 

Waiting by Carol Lynch Williams

No one talks to me.
They don't even look my way.
There's a death bubble around me and I know it. It's
a thin film, one that only I can see through, and I have
proof no one can see me, because they never look in
my direction
and I refuse to look in theirs.

London Castle's family is trying to cope with the tragic death of her older brother Zach. Her mother won't speak to her and spends her time in her bedroom alone, on her knees weeping. But even worse, London's mother won't speak to her and blames her for what happened to Zach. Her father is seemingly oblivious as to what is going on between the mother and daughter. He is always absent, working too much. London states that "At home, all life has stopped, even though it's been awhile." It seems London has been left to cope on her own with her feelings of guilt and loss.

Through Williams evocative combination of prose and poetry,  the awful circumstances behind Zach's death are revealed. Having gotten his girlfriend Rachel pregnant, the two were planning to marry. But both sets of parents step in and the young couple are separated. Rachel is taken miles away by her parents and pressured to get an abortion. During a fight with his mother, Zach learns that Rachel will be aborting his baby. Devastated and without hope, Zach hangs himself in his bedroom. London hears Zach dying and she and her mother race against time to save him. At the end of the book we learn what really happens with Rachel, and this makes his death all the more tragic.

Seventeen year old Taylor Curtis was London's boyfriend before he broke up with her and started a short-lived relationship with another girl. He was also Zach's best friend. He begins to renew his friendship with London. However, London finds it difficult to restart their relationship because so many memories of Zach are tied to Taylor. But Taylor offers London the support and caring she so desperately needs and she grasps at it.

Meanwhile despite London's numbness and difficulty in dealing with her brother's death, she does notice a new boy in class, Jesse Fulton, who turns out to be the brother of her classmate, Lili whose been trying to befriend her. Lili and Jesse become an important part of London's life and she forms a strong friendship with both of them and they too help her come to terms with Zach's death.

As London struggles to deal with her mother's silence and anger, she uses her relationships with both Taylor and Jesse to help her feel alive and to find the strength to confront her mother. London finally confronts her guilt and realizes that she did the best she could. She is not responsible for Zach's death. The living must go on living.

Discussion

Waiting tells the intense, tragic story of a family broken apart by the stigma of teenage pregnancy, the aftermather of a forced abortion that results in needless death of a young man. The suspense of not knowing the circumstances behind Zach's death and learning halfway through the book that he might have been a suicide, effectively draws the reader in. The end of the book, although somewhat predictable because the author does drop a hint,  leaves the reader sad but hopeful.

Waiting succeeds because it evokes powerful emotions; empathy for London who is being punished by her shattered mother for something she had no part in and because her mother is crushed by guilt for provoking Zach; sympathy for the young couple who are betrayed by the very people who had a duty to help them in such a crisis but who instead were more concerned about saving face; pity and anger for a mother so wracked by guilt over provoking her son that she can no longer love anyone; sadness for Zach who saw no hope in his future and who made a terrible mistake.

Maybe nothing could have saved Zach.
Maybe things were too messed up before he ever met
Rachel. Maybe he was too sad since we were little.
Maybe he had faith in everyone but himself.
Or...
Or maybe he just made a mistake and realized moments too late.

It also touches albeit obliquely, on the abortion issue and how it relates to men. Zach's suicide is directly related to the belief that Rachel will abort his baby. This leaves Zach in despair and the terrible fight with his mother provokes him into making a terrible choice. Fathers are often forgotten in the abortion debate. However they do suffer from unacknowledged loss, betrayal and guilt.
 
Waiting also explores the role of faith in personal tragedy. London's father, who is a missionary, has told her that "God answers our prayers through Jesus Christ". But, long before Zach's death though, London was beginning to doubt.

Daddy doesn't know. Mom doesn't know. But on those
trips, I think I started wondering about a god that would 
let all this bad stuff happen. All of it is so awful. I was
changing. Stretching from my old religious skin. Feeling
itchy with the worrying and the cracking free.

London is in so much pain that she wants to die but she knows she cannot do this because she will cause her parents even more grief. She also feels that if she were to try something now, Jesus would not stop her. She's the daughter of a missionary, and "a missionary's kid can't kill herself". London feels God has abandoned her and her family. However, near the end of the book, London comes to the realization that she cannot live without God.

Waiting is a superb novel with lessons that many parents, especially Christian parents need to learn. Some parents will face a crisis with a daughter or son and parents need to be there for them and with them. Parents need to use their wisdom and life experience to help their children through the difficult times. Young people will make mistakes, sometimes mistakes that cannot be easily undone and they will need guidance, forgiveness and love.

This is a novel that touches on many themes: redemption, loss, guilt, friendship, faith and family.

A brilliant book, highly recommended, especially to reluctant readers, and those who have experienced a loss through suicide.

Book Details:

Waiting by Carol Lynch Williams

New York: Simon & Schuster Children's  2012

335 pp.

By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead.....

Daelyn Rice has tried several times to kill herself. Unsuccessfully. But this time, she plans to succeed. She wants to be a "completer". So she logs on to Through-the-Light, a website she accidentally stumbled upon. Unknown to her parents, she creates an account and has 23 days to self-terminate. Along the way she meets others who have similar intentions and we follow her as she researches potential ways to kill herself.
So begins the story of the final days of Daelyn which she counts down, one by one. During these days we learn that Daelyn was bullied mercilessly for being fat. She suffered through fat camp, Girl Guides and other diastrous situations. According to her, almost every aspect of her life has been a failure and it's time to check-out, permanently. Her last attempt at suicide, was unsuccessful and left her with a damaged esophagus and vocal cords. She wears a neck brace and can't speak as she heals from this latest attempt.
But Daelyn doesn't count on meeting Santana, a boy she soon learns is dying from Hodgkins lymphoma. And so author Julie Anne Peters sets up an interesting contrast; a girl who desperately wants to die meeting a boy fighting to stay alive and for whom life is precious, even if it isn't great. Santana is quirky, kind and likes Daelyn. In his own way he seems to understand Daelyn. Santana is an endearing lovable character who I was able to identify with. Although it's not apparent to him, he gradually seems to be reaching into Daelyn's soul and stirring the hope she so desperately needs.

IN the end, he makes Daelyn an offer that might change the course of her life. She finally has to make the decision to trust one last time, to take a risk or to give up and end it all.

By the time you read this, I'll be dead, is dark and intense. You want Daelyn to open up, to try one more time to make things work out. I felt angry with her that she didn't fight back more and near the end of the book, Daelyn herself seems to be coming to some sort of recognition of this. Her parents, although well meaning, see clueless and disengaged from her inner life. Their relationship with their only child seems superficial and dysfunctional.

An outstanding, riveting treatment of a difficult topic for teens. This book considers many aspects of issues that are all too common for todays teens:the effects of bullying, suicide, and teen depression. Highly recommended.

Th1rteen R3easons Why by Jay Asher

Hannah Baker killed herself. When Clay Jensen receives a box of tapes in the mail, he is stunned to hear Hannah's voice on them. Before her death Hannah made tapes covering 13 sides of cassettes because there are "13 sides to every story". Hannah recorded these tapes and has sent them to the people she considers responsible for her suicide. The rules are that each person listens to all the tapes and then passes them onto the next person. If the chain is broken there is a second set of tapes which will be publicly revealed.

Thus begins Jay Asher's unusual novel about teen suicide. The novel opens with Clay Jensen, the ninth person to receive the tapes, mailing the tapes onto the next person. What follows is a narrative in Clay's voice of his experience listening to all the tapes, juxtaposed with Hannah's voice on the tapes - a dual narration.

We see how Hannah fails to cope with situation after situation in her life; failing to make close friends or developing a support system both at home and at school. She pushes people away, when she either has the chance or is offered the chance for help and support. It's a recipe for loneliness and disaster.

There are lots of ideas for teens to consider in this novel, making it a great book for a teen group discussion. Possibilities include to what degree are we responsible for friends; signs that someone is contemplating suicide, what teens can do to help a friend in trouble and so forth.

A sad but thoughtful novel that is sure to engage teens on a difficult subject.

Book Details:

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
New York: Razorbill     2007
288 pp.