Numb To This: Memoir of a Mass Shooting by Kindra Neely

When Kindra was thirteen-years-old, she and her mother moved from Wichita Falls, Texas to Oregon. Life was very different in Oregon compared to Texas. In Texas, she played in storm drains, her school had metal detectors, police officers and police dogs. Life became more difficult when her mother had to leave her job at the air force because of a disability. Eventually they lived at the edge of town. Everyone carried guns in Texas so it felt normal. However, when there was a drive-by shooting a few houses down, Kindra's mother decided to move back to her hometown of Roseburg, Oregon. 

In Roseburg, Kindra attended the same high school her mother, making lots of friends. With friends like Chloe, Brett and Casey she hung out at the river. Her school had security guards but their role was to make sure students attended class. 

When she was seventeen, Kindra was unsure what she wanted to do, so she, along with many of her classmates, decided to attend UCC - Umpqua Community College in Roseburg. Kindra knew she wanted to help others. She met many new friends there, including her best friend Jasmine. But one day her life changed in a terrible way.

One morning, after attending her geology lab, Kindra was on her way to the pool where she worked, when she heard shots. At first she was not sure what was happening. Was a shooting really taking place? Eventually she met her friends Cara and Kaleb, and they told her that a shooter was in Snyder Hall. They decided to leave campus by taking the nature path, but Kindra didn't feel right doing this. She was concerned for those students she'd already encountered on campus who were confused and didn't seem to know what was happening. So she returned to the campus.

On the campus, Kindra and some other students locked themselves in a classroom and then were finally given the all clear, that "it's over." But Kindra was confused. Where was she to go? Was work cancelled? Kindra went to the pool where she was let into the building and took a call from her friend Christian whose mom worked in Snyder. Because no one knew what was going on, they were moved to the gym. Kindra called her mom, telling her she has heard that there are twenty people dead. After three hours in the gym the police arrived to take them to the fairgrounds

Kindra's friend Josh was with her as they were searched. Overhead she could hear the woompf of the helicopters. They were taken by bus to the fairgrounds where she finally met up with her mother and her friends, Chloe and Jasmine. Before she was even home, a picture of Kindra and Josh was published in the national newspaper. This made her angry because it felt like they were being violated.

Kindra and her mother along with many others attended a candlelight vigil that night. Students returned to school a week later, although some of the buildings were still closed. Kindra was asked to make memorial for Larry, a professor who was killed. An avid fly-fisherman, he had finally seen a red dragonfly the week before the shooting, so Kindra designed a beautiful memorial of dragonflies created with tiles.

As life moved on, Kindra decided to apply to SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) in Savannah, Georgia. At this time she struggled with many things in her life: what to study, her friendships which were strained. Everything felt off and wrong. Eventually she decided to enroll at SCAD. When she graduated, what should have felt like a happy moment, did not feel that way. Even when she won the Harry Jacoby Award for the person who shows excellence in school and community, Kindra felt distant and unimportant.

But on her twentieth birthday, Kindra had to face the reality of another mass shooting, this time in Orlando, at the Pulse nightclub. As these events seemed to be happening everywhere, fear began to take over. Kindra did not see the point in having another birthday if this is the way life would be. For the entire summer, Kindra felt numb and as if nothing really mattered. This feeling would continue until finally Kindra just decided she couldn't go on. It was a phone call from her best friend Jasmine who saved her life....and began her journey back.

Discussion

Numb To This explores one young woman's journey to heal in the aftermath of a mass shooting. Kindra Neely was a student at Umpqua Community College in October of 2015 when a twenty-six-year-old student shot and killed an assistant professor and eight students and wounded eight others. The college was closed for a week while police investigated.

The title, Numb To This,  is  a reference to then President Obama's speech in response to the shooting:
"Earlier this year, I answered a question in an interview by saying, “The United States of America is the one advanced nation on Earth in which we do not have sufficient common-sense gun-safety laws -- even in the face of repeated mass killings.”  And later that day, there was a mass shooting at a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana.  That day!  Somehow this has become routine.  The reporting is routine. My response here at this podium ends up being routine.  The conversation in the aftermath of it.  We've become numb to this.

 

We talked about this after Columbine and Blacksburg, after Tucson, after Newtown, after Aurora, after Charleston.  It cannot be this easy for somebody who wants to inflict harm on other people to get his or her hands on a gun."

In this graphic memoir of a mass shooting, Kindra Neely takes her readers through her own personal journey of dealing with the trauma of a mass shooting and beginning to take steps to heal. After the shooting, and in light of another, Kindra found herself feeling that life was "pointless" because these shootings would simply continue to happen. This led her to simply want to stop living, but a phone call from her best friend, Jasmine saved her life. 

Although life appeared to go on as normal for Kindra, inside she found herself struggling. She wanted to tell people that things were not right, "but everyone kept telling me how strong I was and I didn't want to disappoint them." She found moments of happiness such as at her friends' wedding but that would not be enough.

Kindra began experiencing panic attacks: rooms with only one exit, helicopters and the anniversary of the shooting triggered flashbacks. Another shooting, on the anniversary of the UCC shooting, but in Las Vegas on October 1, 2017 that would kill 60 people and injure over eight hundred people, triggered a complete emotional breakdown for Kindra. This started a vicious cycle of debilitating panic attacks and led Kindra to see danger everywhere.

When a fellow student at SCAD had a sister who experienced a mass shooting, Kindra reached out hoping to help. While attending the March For Our Lives in 2018, one of Kindra's friends, Josh had a panic attack. This led Kindra to truly see what she herself was experiencing as she viewed what Josh went through and that she should seek help.

Part of her healing process was the creation of "a book to show people like me that they aren't alone or that their feelings are normal." It wasn't until the third anniversary of the shooting that Kindra did seek help through student counselling. As mass shootings continued, Kindra began to be honest with friends and family about what she had experienced. Kindra's message is for us to listen with patience and humility to the survivors. They are who should be seen and heard. This was very much the opposite of what she and others experienced immediately after the shooting.

Kindra Neely has crafted an informative and sensitive graphic memoir. Her beautiful colour illustrations capture the intense emotions, the confusion, pain and suffering that survivors of mass shootings experience. It also portrays just how difficult the path to healing can be, with survivors like Kindra experiencing denial, encountering the expectation they will be "strong", experiencing difficulty in finding the right kind of help in a timely manner, and struggling to learn to live again.

Her message, using the medium of a well crafted graphic novel is powerful, much needed and encourages us all to support the survivor community. 

Book Details:

Numb To This: Memoir of a Mass Shooting by Kindra Neely
New York: Little, Brown and Company       2022
192 pp.