The Secret History of Us by Jessi Kirby

Olivia (Liv) Jordan struggles to awaken after being kept sedated for eight days. Her parents reveal that she's been in a car accident, that her car was hit by another driver and sent plunging over the Carson Bridge into the Bay. She has been medicated the past eight days so she could heal. She learns she has four broken ribs and has had a breathing tube so that her lungs could heal. Olivia tries to remember what happened but isn't able to bring forth any memories.

After her parents leave, Liv manages to get out of bed and reads some of the cards accompanying the many bouquets of flowers she's received. One if from Dana Whitmore of KBSY Action News that mentions having spoken with Matt and Walker and expressing interest in interviewing the three of them together. Olivia has no idea who Matt or Walker are.

The next morning Olivia is visited by her friend Paige whom she remembers as being much younger looking. She also meets Matt who she learns is her boyfriend. Matt whose arm is in a sling, was also involved in the accident. He apologizes for not being able to get her out of the car and tells her he loves her. But Liv can only tell Matt and Paige that she doesn't know him.

After telling her mom about not knowing Matt, Dr. Tate is called. He does extensive tests and based on the questions asked, he tells Liv and her parents that she "is experiencing post-traumatic retrograde amnesia", which could be due to the lack of oxygen her brain experienced or the blow to the head when she was pulled into the boat. Liv doesn't remember anything after the summer before her freshman year. Memories about school, volleyball, birthdays, dances, summers spent working at the marina and dating Matt are gone. Dr. Tate tells them this could be permanent or some or all of her memories may return over time. He recommends Liv be discharged so she can return to her routine and her life.

But returning to her routine proves difficult for Liv. At home she makes a series of "discoveries" about her life; she was intimate with Matt, her room looks nothing like she remembers because it was redecorated two years earlier, she has worked the past three summers with her brother Sam at the Fuel Depot taking food orders and delivering food to boats. Dinner reveals that Liv became vegetarian.

Liv encounters reluctance from both Sam and her parents when she questions them about who pulled her from the submerged car. They are vague about Walker James, telling her only that he lives on one of the old boats at the marina and that he saw her car go off the bridge, took a fishing boat to help and pulled her out of the car. It was Walker who did CPR. When Liv expresses the desire to meet and thank him, her father deflects her, telling Liv she needs to work on recovering. She learns a video of her rescue exists and was shown on the news. Upset that her parents withheld this information, Liv goes to her bedroom. There she immediately searches the video, watching it multiple times, hoping to feel something. What she does feel is the desire to at least thank Walker James and maybe to get to know this mysterious person.

The next day, while left alone at home, Liv begins by looking through family albums. Sure enough she  has no memories of the beginning of grade nine. She finds pictures of her friends Paige and Jules, and then Jules seems to vanish from her life and Matt appears. Walker James is also in her freshman year but then never appears again. Liv is determined to recapture her memories and believes that stepping back into her life will accomplish that. But as Liv discovers, no matter how hard we try, we can never go back, only forward.

Discussion

Jessi Kirby has written another appealing novel, this time focusing on a girl attempting to recover her the life she can't remember. After her car accident, Olivia can't remember anything after the start of grade nine. She doesn't even recognize herself in the mirror. "The girl in the mirror blinks when I blink. She brings her hand to her face when I do. She even shakes her head at the same time I do. But I don't know this girl in the mirror. I don't know her at all." 

The missing four years of her life are devastating to Olivia. "I'm missing the pieces that make up the picture in the middle. The pieces of who I am now. Today I learned that I'm eighteen years old, but the last birthday I can remember celebrating is my fourteenth."

When she returns home, Olivia tries to behave like she remembers her past, like she normally would but nothing feels normal to her. Her first dinner is especially difficult because her not remembering she is vegetarian unsettles everyone. "I watch everyone carefully, trying to make sure I don't do anything I usually wouldn't do, or eat anything I no longer eat. I'm relieved when no one corrects the generous scoop of guacamole I put over the veggie crumbles to make them edible."

At first Olivia tries desperately to remember her past and to slip into her normal routine. The first morning at home when she admits she hasn't remembered anything, Olivia tells her mother, " 'Nothing that I don't already remember from before,' I answer, feeling the failure in my response." Olivia's search through family albums leads her to understand just how much she's lost. "But as I sit here looking over years of my life that I don't remember, it starts to hit me what I've really lost. A photo takes a fraction of a second to snap...What about all the unrecorded moments? All the thoughts and feelings...Things I dreamed of, and secrets I kept. These are the things that make up who we are, and these are the things I'm worried I won't get back." Olivia decides "I'll step right back into my life, like it was before. And when I don't know what it was like, I'll find out." 

To do that she enlists the help of her best friend Paige who fills her in, especially on her relationship with Matt Turner. Although Paige paints them as the perfect couple, Olivia feels nothing. "Being told the story of something is not the same as experiencing it, no matter how touching or detailed it is. And now all I can think is that our perfect love story might already be over if I can't ever remember what happened for myself." But as Olivia seeks out information about her past, she begins to feel increasingly troubled. "I've quickly become used to not knowing things for myself, and to taking everyone else's word for it, but this bothers me. It doesn't feel right, and I want to figure out why."

Olivia soon realizes that her parents and her friends are not telling her the whole truth about her life, that certain things are being left out. This makes her angry and confused. She discovers that Sam, Paige and her parents have left things out, seemingly to protect her.

As Olivia's attempt to restart her relationship with Matt fails, she begins to realize that maybe even her friends didn't know the real her, that she's kept secrets from them. Olivia explains her struggle to her parents who like everyone else want her to be normal. "Everyone wants me to just got back to normal, and I'm trying, I really am, but I don't even know what that is...And people keep trying to tell me what to do, and I know they're trying to help, but what if they don't even know who I was?...What if I was the only one who really knew who I was before? Where does that leave me now that it's all gone?"

Olivia's mother and father both have advice for her which she takes to heart. Her mother tells her, "You're not empty. The things that make up who you are? They're still there. They didn't go away just because you can't remember them. They're in you. So you just need to trust your gut. Really listen for what you think and feel. That's you." Olivia's father encourages her to "go with what seems right to you, not what you think you should be doing because it's what you've been told. You're allowed to change..."  This advice is freeing to Olivia because it feels "like they just somehow gave me permission to be more okay with who I am right now."

This allows Olivia to follow her father's advice of focusing not on the past but on the now. Olivia's journey to recover her life is redirected to begin living her life in the present. Olivia symbolically begins this new journey when she erases all the writings from the past two years off her chalkboard wall in her room. But Olivia really begins it when she uncovers some of the mystery of her past life; that she was involved with Walker James, that they had a relationship and that her relationship with Matt was ending. The proof for her is in her award winning photo essay, titled The Secret History of Us which was submitted by Walker, because she missed the deadline due to her accident, about her working with Walker on restoring his old boat. The photos, taken by Olivia capture the feelings she had with Walker and feel real to her. Because of that, Olivia decides that this is the relationship that has meaning for her now.

The amnesia trope has been done quite a lot in teen fiction and usually leads to the main character uncovering some secret about themselves that none of the other characters know. Readers will therefore, quickly suspect that Olivia has some sort of secret relationship with Walker, the mysterious, brooding guy who saved her, but this doesn't detract from the enjoyment of the novel.

The Secret History of Us is unique in young adult fiction in that it is filled with many positive characters; Olivia's father is a policeman and her parents are supportive and caring, older brother Sam is humorous and sweet, and Paige is a faithful friend who really tries to help Olivia.

Kirby is a master at describing rather than telling. Kirby opens The Secret History of Us by describing the sensations Olivia is experiencing rather than telling us where she is, and it is this entire descriptive chapter that leads the reader to understand she is both in a hospital and struggling to regain consciousness.

"Liv?"
It's a voice that's familiar. Warm in a way that makes me want to keep hearing it. Comforting, but I can't place it. I search. Through the water or the fog -- I can't tell which because it's everywhere, all around me.
But I know this voice. I know her.
Her.
I grasp at the word, reach for something to pair it with. A name...a face...something, anything, but I come up empty, except for that familiar feeling."

The Secret History of Us is filled with imagery that reflects the sense of loss that Olivia feels and suggests second chances; the  medal of St. Anthony, the patron saint of finding things that are lost,  given to Olivia by Jules and "found" by Walker represents Olivia's struggle to recover her lost past , the slightly broken sand dollar that she finds on the beach - "this thing that's been tossed by the ocean, and broken enough to lose part of itself, but that's still intact, and strong.", the boat whose name is Second Chance which belongs to Walker and suggests their blossoming relationship - interrupted by Olivia's accident will get a second chance.

Fans of contemporary fiction will enjoy The Secret History of Us which is a light read.  As usual Kirby has another gem to her credit. One bone to pick: HarperCollins should take greater care with proofing as there is a typo in the second sentence of the very first chapter.

Book Details:

The Secret History of Us by Jessi Kirby
New York: HarperCollins Publishers    2017
276 pp.

Restart by Gordon Korman

Chase Ambrose, star of the football team was the most feared kid at Hiawasse Middle School. Chase along with his buddies, Aaron Haikiman and Bear Bratsky, terrorized just about everyone in the school and in their town. Their prime target was Joel Weber, a gifted pianist.

But Chase's life changes drastically when he falls off the roof of his house. The fall results in a separated shoulder,  a severe concussion and acute-retrograde amnesia.  He doesn't remember his mother or father or his older brother Johnny who's a college student home for the summer, and he can't quite remember his name. The only memory he has is of a little girl. Chase, who's also star of the Hiawasse football team, is told by Dr. Cooperman that he is out for the year. 

When Chase returns home, he meets his father's new wife Corinne and his four-year-old half sister Helene, both of whom seem wary of him. "They look at me like I'm a time bomb about to go off in their faces. What did I ever do to them?" This is Chase's first hint that he's not been a very nice person.

Chase's mother doesn't fill him in on his life before his accident. At school Chase is accosted by Aaron and Bear who are eager for him to return to the football team. Chase also meets with the school principal, Dr. Fitzwallace who urges him to see this as a "chance to rebuild yourself from the ground up, to make a completely fresh start." Chase wonders "What was so wrong about the old me that now I have to be somebody else?" At lunch Brendan Espinoza is terrified when Chase sits down at his table. He is immediately bullied by Chase's friends who force Chase to sit with them.

More incidents reveal to Chase that he was just not well liked, but in fact most people were terrified of him. When he first meets his half- sister Helene, she is completely terrified of Chase. At school when Chase tries to help a girl, she flees in terror. Students act odd, conversations end when he walks by, and people turn away from him as he walks down the hall. From Aaron and Bear, Chase learns they are assigned community service at the Graybeard Motel on Portland Street, helping the elderly residents. They were arrested and assigned community service for planting several cherry bombs in the piano at open house. Aaron and Bear dismiss what happened, telling Chase they do what they want and the adults can't do much. Their conversation leaves Chase doubting his removal from the football team for the season. This leads Chase to confront his mother about not telling him he was assigned community service. When he tries to downplay what happened, his mother's account at the school open house makes Chase feel ashamed.

Meanwhile Brendan Espinoza can't get anyone from the video club to help him make his video. Brendan is a nerd, honor roll student, president of the video club, and Academic Decathlon champ. With Joel Weber gone, Brendan is certain Chase and his friends will target him now. But Chase seems friendly and different. So when he sees Chase in the hallway, Brendan invites Chase to help him shoot his video. Brendan's video of him riding a tricycle through the Shiny Bumper car wash almost gets Chase in trouble again. But Brendan diffuses the situation and Chase acknowledges that it was Brendan's good reputation and not his bad one that saves him. Because they had so much fun together, Brendan invites Chase to join the video club. Shoshanna Weber and the other members of the club are horrified when they hear this. Shoshanna's brother Joel was the victim of Chase and his friends cherry bomb prank. It was the reason he has left Hiawassee to attend another school. But Brendan insists Chase is not the same person as he tells the group, "...He was helpful. He had good ideas. He was even nice. He's different."

Ms. DeLeo tells they club they must accept Chase. At the meeting, they discuss working on entries for the National Video Journalism Contest which will feature profiling a senior citizen. They are also working on producing a video yearbook which includes student interviews and information on school clubs and teams. Chase is assigned to cover the football team. Shoshanna refuses to believe that Chase is a different person. "No. Amnesia can wipe out the details of your past, but it can't change the kind of person you are. "

Chase decides to accompany Aaron and Bear to the Portland Street Assisted Living Residence where they  are assigned to take snacks to the residents. Chase watches as his two buddies eat most of the cookies  on the cart and refer to the residents in disrespectful ways. Chase is upset by how his friends behave and starts to really help, adjusting beds and helping find TV remotes.At the home Chase meets Julius Solway who was awarded a Medal of Honor for his service during the Korean War. Chase finds Julius to be a "cool" guy and begins to develop a relationship with him. His interest in  Julius's medal leads the elderly man to admit he can't find his medal. At a meeting of the video club, Chase suggests to Shoshanna that she video Mr. Solway for her entry in to the video contest.

Chase joins Shoshanna as she interviews Mr. Solway. As time passes, Chase finds himself struggling against being pulled back into his old bullying ways by Aaron and Bear. The choice to be a new person means gaining new friends and losing old ones. And it offers Chase the unexpected opportunity to confront and right a wrong that the old Chase did.

Discussion

Restart is a thoroughly enjoyable account of a thirteen-year-old boy who gets a chance to change his life as a result of an accident. Korman deftly weaves his story using multiple narrators; Chase Ambrose, Shoshanna Weber. Brendan Espinoza, Kimberly Tooley, Aaron Hakimian, and Joel Weber.  Chase's memory is wiped clean, offering him a second chance. The old Chase was a bully who terrorized Joel Weber so much that his family was forced to send him to another school after a terrible prank. That prank resulted in Chase and his friends Aaron and Bear being arrested and assigned community service. But even there Chase and his friends continued their bad behaviour, treating the residents disrespectfully with Chase stealing Mr. Solway's medal. Besides Chase's story, Korman also includes a subplot involving Brendan Espinoza who attempts to attract the interest of Kimberly Tooley who only has eyes for Chase.

Following his accident, everything the new Chase uncovers about the old Chase is unsettling. He remembers how he gleefully ripped the head off of his half-sister Helene's teddy bear and when his brother Johnny left for college, Chase remembers the scorn he felt for his brother who's terrified and his mother who is sad. He learns that he seriously hurt Brendan by pushing his head into a drinking fountain, causing him to need three stitches. His friends Aaron and Bear tell Chase that he was the one who chose Joel to bully.

The new Chase is completely different, friendly, kind and helpful. He enjoys his visits to the assisted living center. "But I find the residents kind of interesting. They remember stuff in real life that you can only read about in history books." He is horrified when Bear takes twenty dollars from Mrs. Swanson who "isn't all there" and when Bear refuses to return the money, Chase uses his own money to right this wrong. He helps Shoshanna complete her video project for the competition partly out of interest and partly to repay what he did to her family and he apologizes to both the Weber family and to Brendan.

Chase's transformation from bully to good guy isn't without mistakes. Korman presents his journey as a process that Chase undertakes and that involves conflict and some mistakes. Chase experiences conflict over who he was then and who he is now. He wants to believe there was some good in him. Chase has flashbacks of what he describes as his "wonderful toughness -- punching and shoving kids, kicking their heels out from under them in the halls," Chase also remembers "feeling important and confident and powerful. Maybe some of that came from what a jerk I was, but surely not all of it...I was a somebody in this town." Chase makes mistakes as when he accidentally hurts Joel while trying to stop Aaron and Bear as they vandalize the music room,  and he lies to the principal about what happened, backing up his friends' lie. But he also looks outside of himself to see how what has happened affects those around him, his friends, the teachers and the principal.

Eventually Chase has to choose who he's going to be - the bully or the nice guy, and who he wants as his friends. After the incident with Joel, Chase realizes that he'd rather have the new Chase's life rather than his old one back. This is shown when Aaron and Bear reveal to Chase that he was the one who stole Mr. Solway's medal.  "As I run, hot tears of shame are streaming down my face. Since my accident, I've heard a lot about the person I used to be. Never did I imagine this." His shame and desire to do the right thing overcome the threats of his friends and Chase tries to return the medal. When his attempt results in a brawl, he comes clean, accepting sole responsibility for the theft. Although the consequences maybe be severe, Chase doesn't want to go back to being the person he was before the accident. His father recognizes his attempts to be a better person. "...It takes strength to eat the blame and not rat out Aaron and Bear, especially when they more than deserve it. Or to try to make things right with Solway or even the Weber kid, whether they appreciate it or not. You're strong, all right. And stupid. But everybody has stupid moments. The trick is not to let a few bad moments cost you the game."

Chase recognizes how angry and self-absorbed he was prior to his accident, in contrast to the shame and disgust he now feels. "Back then I had such a high opinion of the great Chase Ambrose that I considered myself untouchable. Now it's the opposite. I hate myself so much that there's no way any judge could hate me more." But Chase is in for a surprise from the very people he spent years tormenting, demonstrating the importance of forgiveness and the need to recognize that people can change.

Mr. Solway, the crotchety resident of the nursing home is a mirror character to Chase. He is disliked by almost everyone there; he's rude and mean. He has his own table in the dining room and his nickname is Mr. Happy Face. He is like Chase before his head injury.  Chase thinks Mr. Solway is the coolest person he's ever met. They are "memory-loss buddies" and this leads Chase to wonder "if I blocked out what a jerk I used to be because I can't face it." As the two become good friends, Mr. Solway undergoes a remarkable transformation, moving about again and showing an interest in life and even making the difficult journey in to the court to speak up for Chase. Like Chase, he's become less self-absorbed and focuses on doing what's right.

Restart is classic Gordon Korman, with a likeable main character and a great cast of supporting characters, particularly the witty Shoshanna Weber and the nerdy Brendan Espinoza. The novel has a strong plot that's well executed with a dash of Korman humour. The novel is chock full of themes; forgiveness, redemption, the meaning of friendship, identity and how change is possible. Restart would have made more sense set in high school and the characters a bit older. Overall, Restart is a spectacular novel and highly recommended. It's nice to see good, solid fiction for younger readers and one that will especially appeal to boys.

Book Details:

Restart by Gordon Korman
New York: Scholastic Press    2017
243 pp.