Heroes by Alan Gratz

Frank McCoy and his best friend Stanley Summers live on Ford Island in Pearl Harbor, located ten miles west of Honolulu, on the island of Oahu. It is a little island in the middle of the harbor which is both a body of water and the name of the United States military base. While Stanley has grown up in Hawai'i, with his father and his Japanese American mother, Mitsuko, Frank has moved there from Pensacola, Florida where his father was previously stationed. Frank, along with his older sister Ginny and their parents now live next door to Stanley in a row of bungalows they call Nob Hill. Frank's father is a Navy pilot, while Stanley's father is a flight crew chief at the air station. He is in charge of fixing the planes that Frank's father flies. Frank's sister Ginny who works as a secretary at Dole Pineapple in Honolulu,  is dating Brooks Leonard, a seaman second class on the USS Utah. 

Frank and Stanley have a shared interest in creating a comic book with Frank doing the story and Stanley doing the illustrations. Making their way home from baseball practice in a small aluminum boat, the two friends discuss their ideas for a superhero they want to name, the Arsenal of Democracy. When they arrive at Ford Island, they find two boys, Arthur Edwards and Johnny Ross picking on a younger boy, Charlie Moon. When Stanley goes to intervene, he gets attacked by the boys and punched. But instead of coming to the aid of his best friend, Frank freezes up and watches as Stanley is beaten. This angers Stanley who can't understand why Frank, who is much bigger than the other boys, didn't come to his aid. What his best friend doesn't know is that Frank is terrified of almost everything.

When they arrive at their homes, Frank's sister Ginny immediately senses the tension between the two boys but she thinks it is due to an argument. 

Brooks offers to take Stanley and Frank on a tour of the Utah early on Sunday morning. For Stanley it means a break from Japanese school. Frank meanwhile is struggling to tell his friend why he didn't step in to help him during the fight. On Sunday morning the two friends take their boat down carrier row where the Utah and the light cruisers, Raleigh and Detroit are docked. They are greeted by Brooks Leonard when they climb aboard the Utah. The ship feels safe, powerful and invincible. 

Just as Frank begins to explain to Stanley why he didn't come to his aid during the fight, they see a squadron of fighters approaching from the northwest. This is quickly followed by fiery explosions on Ford Island. Confused and surprised, everyone believes this is a drill but as the planes buzz the Utah Frank sees a "meatball" on the bottom of the plane's winds. This is what  the red rising sun of the Japanese flag is called by Americans.

Quickly Frank, Stanley, and Brooks realize the Japanese are attacking Pearl Harbor. Within seconds the ships are being torpedoed. The Utah begins sinking, tilting toward the harbor. Stanley wants to get off the ship but Brooks tells them to take cover behind the large stacks of timber on the deck. Caught in the middle of an attack, with the Utah capsizing, Frank, Stanley and Brooks must abandon ship. This will mean jumping into the shark infested waters of Pearl Harbor with torpedoes and bullets exploding all around them? 

Discussion

Heroes is another historical fiction book written for middle school readers, this time with the focus on the attack on Pearl Harbor. Set against this dramatic scene, Gratz explores what defines a "hero". 

Before the attack on Pearl Harbor, thirteen-year-old Frank McCoy stands frozen to the side as his best friend Stanley is beaten by two boys. Despite being bigger than both of the boys who attack Stanley, Frank doesn't step in because he's afraid of getting hurt. This creates tension between the two boys as Stanley has no idea why Frank didn't help him.

The reality is that Frank lives in constant fear of getting hurt. He worries about sharks, eels, volcanoes and plane crashes. About getting struck by lightning, or burning himself on the barbecue, or wearing flip flops. Frank took advanced swimming lessons in case he ever had to swim to shore. Ironically, this skill does help him save a trapped sailor during the attack.

Upset by his friend's seeming cowardice and not yet knowing the cause, Stanley tells Frank what he believes defines a hero. The boys are talking about the design of their comic book superhero when Stanley tells Frank what defines a hero. "A real hero steps in when they see people getting hurt, no matter what." He explains to Frank he likes Superman because "...he uses his powers to help people who're in trouble, for no other reason than it's the right thing to do." 

Frank does eventually come clean to Stanley but it isn't until the boys are on Ford Island as it's being bombed by the Japanese. Frank now feels that he doesn't have to hide his fear and that maybe Stanley will understand. He explains that a vicious dog attack in third grade is behind his fear of getting hurt. The attack left him with ropy scars on his stomach and a lasting state of fear. Since that time, he is constantly evaluating the relative danger of everything.

However, Frank's actions during the bombing of Pearl Harbor demonstrate that he is no coward. Initially he behaves as he's been doing for the past five years - either trying to avoid danger or freezing when confronted with danger. This is seen when Stanley saves a sailor from tracer fire on the deck of the Utah while Frank remains frozen in fear. But when Frank and Stanley are in a launch that needs to go to the Raleigh to get a torch to free sailors trapped in the Utah, it is Frank who suggests they swim the rest of the way to Ford Island, allowing the launch to do the rescue. 

Then on their way to taking a wounded sailor to the hospital on Oahu in a boat, Frank and Stanley encounter a young sailor trapped in the water by a ring of burning oil. To Stanley's shock, Frank decides he will swim underwater to rescue the sailor. His decision to take this risk is a dramatic change, one that Stanley does not want to be involved in. Stanley wants them to save themselves, but Frank knows he can save this sailor from a gruesome death despite the sharks, eels, fire and risk of running out of air.

"Who was this Frank McCoy who wanted to jump into burning water to try and rescue some man he'd never met before....Was I the Frank McCoy who froze up when the going got tough? Or was I the Frank McCoy who could be brace in the face of danger? Who stood up for his friends in a fight? Who helped people when they were in trouble? I was still afraid. Of pretty much everything.....But of all the things in the world I was afraid of, I suddenly realized that my greatest fear was being too scared to do the right thing."

Gratz's portrayal of the chaos and destruction during the Pearl Harbor attack seem very realistic with the exception of the two boy's continued focus on how their superheroes would behave. It's likely that the terror, chaos, and the immediate prospect of death would quickly replace any ideas of superheroes in these young boys minds. They have seen the dead body of a young sailor Brooks Leonard whom they both know. Suddenly the reality of the attack and the possibility of their own deaths would be foremost in their minds. They would be focused on surviving and helping others to survive.

Heroes allows young readers to experience through the eyes of two young boys, the cataclysmic event that pushed the United States into the war. The story also portrays how the pre-existing discrimination towards Japanese Americans led people like Stanley's mother to bury treasured family heirlooms to save their families. The story also tackles the issue of anxiety in children, with the main character, Frank McCoy having suffered for years from unaddressed anxiety. In the case of Frank, he seems to conquer his fears quite suddenly and become a hero.

Author Alan Gratz has included the comic book that the fictional Frank and Stanley produce after the war called The Arsenal of Democracy. Readers should note that the comic panels were drawn by the real life illustrator Judit Tondora. There is a map of Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 showing the position of the various boats, submarines and Frank and Stanley's homes. The Author's Note includes information on the attack on Pearl Harbor and how the consequences of the attack played out for the war, for the United States and for Japan as well as the legacy of Pearl Harbor. Gratz also discusses how he incorporated the events of Pearl Harbor into his story. 

Book Details:

Heroes by Alan Gratz
New York: Scholastic Press   2024

219 pp.

Small Things by Mel Tregonning

Small Things is a picture book without words about the timely topic of anxiety in children.

The book begins with a young boy in school gym class. He wants to fit in with his classmates, to be chosen to play but gets excluded. After class he grabs a basketball to bounce, trips and falls, causing the other children to laugh at him.

Lunch hour isn't much better as he tries to join a group of children sitting in a circle but no one welcomes him. He is waved over to a picnic table. Tiny creatures, his first feelings of anxiety begin to appear.

After lunch, the boy finds himself taking a math test. Word problems are horrible at the best of times and this test has word problems. The math test means even more anxiety. As the clock ticks on, his test is marked and a grade of C is the result. Upset, the boy goes to see the teacher who encourages him. But the boy knows his marks have been slipping over the past weeks. At first he had marks of A+ and A but now his grades have fallen to a C.

Walking home, the boy's anxiety is intense, manifested by the tiny demon-like creatures following him, taking chunks out of his arms and legs. Looking at his bedroom wall the boy sees many certificates of merit and student awards. This does not comfort him but only increases his anxiety.

That night while trying to do math problems, he struggles and is overwhelmed by his anxiety. He takes this out on his older sister who is practicing her violin. She tries to comfort him, to reassure him, but in bed that night he is overwhelmed by anxiety. The tiny demons representing his anxiety swirl around him and the bed.

The next day another math work sheet receives an even lower mark. The anxiety the boy feels eats away at his very self. Overwhelmed, the boy strikes out at his only friend, a girl who has invited him to eat lunch with her when others have turned away. She received a mark of a B on the test. At home, the boy's anxiety is so great that he feels as if huge chunks of his very self are being eaten away. He cannot sleep.

His big sister comes in to see him and at this point the boy shares his anxiety and his pain, showing her the huge chunk missing from his arm. His sister rolls up her sleeve, revealing the wound on her arm - she too suffers from anxiety. Her anxiety is related to her music and in fact her hand that holds the violin contains many cracks. His sister convinces him to tell their parents about the math test and his marks.

Their parents offer him comfort and sit down at the kitchen table to help him work out the problems. That night the boy goes to sleep with the anxiety demons still present but not near him or his bed. When the boy returns to school the next day, he sees that many of his classmates, including his new friend also carry anxieties with them.

Discussion

Small Things is a graphic picture book created by Mel Tregonning  a young Australian illustrator. It began as a comic strip about a boy struggling with his inner demons of anxiety but was never completed. Sadly Mel took her life in 2014. Her family realized that the comic strip reflected her own struggles with anxiety and depression.

Mel was born in Perth, Western Australia in 1983. When she was sixteen-years-old, Mel had a short comic, titled Night published in 2009 by Gestalt Comics. In this comic, a young girl struggles to cope with the demons of anxiety. Mel knew about anxiety and depression having struggled with both throughout her life. Unfortunately, her moment of crisis came in 2014, after having been recently released from hospital.

Although Mel died before she completed her book, her family decided to finish her work and have it published as a way to spread awareness about mental health issues. To complete the last three pages of the book, award-winning illustrator Shaun Tan was contacted. Tan had already been contacted by Mel so her family felt that he was the one to complete those last few pages. Her original illustrations had been done in soft graphite on medium weight paper. Tan carefully considered those drawings so that he could emulate them sufficiently.

The tiny demons that surround the young boy are his anxieties and worries. They are black, complex and fearful looking as only anxieties and worries can be. They are so consuming, they eat away at him, causing him tremendous physical and emotional pain. Each worry takes away a bit of his self, seeming to diminish him. But Tregonning's message seems to be that children with anxiety should be encouraged to talk to an adult, a parent and/or a friend. Her message is one of hope - the demons of anxiety can be held at bay, with help. One illustration near the end of the book, showing the boy sleeping, tucked safely in his bed while his anxiety demons hover in the distance, implies that reaching out will help, will keep those demons at bay. Reaching out also means we discover we are not alone.

Anyone suffering from anxiety, whether they be a child, teen or adult will find Small Things very relevant. Young children will learn from Small Things that they are not alone, that we all have our struggles and that there are people who care. My hope is that Mel Tregonning is at peace. Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord.

Book Details:

Small Things by Mel Tregonning
Toronto: Pajama Press Inc.   2018

Optimists Die First by Susin Nielsen

Sixteen year old Petula De Wilde lives with her mother and father in a four-storey walkup called the Arcadia in Vancouver's West End, B.C. A family tragedy, the death of Petula's little sister Maxine three years earlier, has derailed her life and that of her parents.

Petula and her best friend Rachel were ten years old when their mothers were each expecting a second child. Petula and Rachel were "crafting fiends" who spent their weekends making anything and everything. Petula's sister, Maxine Ella was born first and Rachel's brother Owen was born shortly afterwards. Maxine was a sweet, happy child whose favourite book was Where the Wild Things Are.

For Maxine's third birthday, Petula and Rachel made her a wolf costume with brown buttons which Petula sewed on to the front of the suit. One November evening over two years ago, Petula stayed home with Maxine while their parents went shopping. Maxine was fussy that day but Petula still put her down for her nap even though Maxine threw a temper tantrum. Eventually she calmed down and Petula thought Maxine fell asleep. When her parents returned and her father went to get Maxine he found her dead. She had been sucking on one of the buttons and it came loose, lodging in her throat, suffocating her. From this terrible event Petula learned to "always expect the worst."

Since Maxine's death, Petula is always preparing for something terrible to happen and she lives her life with this in mind. She only crosses at designated crosswalks and intersections, she scans the pavement for suspicious objects and bags, she avoids construction sites frequently checks that she's not being followed and carries a rape whistle. Her friendship with Rachel was destroyed when Petula could not bear to see Rachel with Owen and behaved cruelly towards her.

Maxine's death also seriously affected Petula's parents and their marriage. After Maxine's death her parents sold their cozy apartment on Comox. Her father who loved to play music stopped doing so and he's frequently absent from home. Her mother has taken to volunteering for the Vancouver Feline Rescue Association and has taken in six cats. The cats have helped drag Petula's mother "out of her pit of despair after Maxine died, which was something no one else -- not me, not my dad, not her therapist -- had been able to do." But they have also created tension between Petula's mom and dad.

After Maxine's death, Petula is sent to counselling with the school counsellor, Carol Polachuk. However, when she throws a cup at Polachuk, it's decided Petula will attend YART, the school's Youth Art Therapy group once per week. The group is facilitated by Betty Ingledrop who is their art therapist. The group consists of Alonzo Perez who attempted suicide after he came out to his family, Ivan (the Terrible) whose mother drowned two years ago on vacation in Mexico, and Koula Apostolos who is an alcoholic and drug addict. And then there is a new member, the Bionic Man.

The first time Petula sees the Bionic Man is when he is leaving Carol Polachuk's office in the counselling suite. The second time happens when Petula faints during her presentation on the 9/11 disaster. After being checked out by the nurse, Petula talks with Mr. Watley, the principal of St. Margaret SS who encourages her to try to avoid panic attack triggers. When leaving Watley's office, Petula bumps into Bionic Man again. He is at least four inches taller than Petula who stands at 5 ft 11 inches. He introduces himself as Jacob Cohen and offers her his black bionic hand to shake. They meet a third time in English class when Jacob is assigned to be Petula's partner for a class project involving adapting a portion of Wuthering Heights into a screenplay or stage play. Petula want's nothing to do with Jacob but after their YART session he attempts to get her phone number.

On the weekend Jacob shows up a Petula's apartment and meets her parents. He tells them that his family just moved to Vancouver in the past month after his parents got job transfers from Toronto. While at her apartment, Jacob discovers Petula's scrapbook that she keeps with clippings of disasters. She explains to Jacob that she's a pessimist and that the scrapbook reminds her to be vigilant.

As Petula and Jacob's relationship grows, and as she attends more YART sessions, Petula begins to change. Outings with her friends from YART lead Petula to use a public washroom. She reaches out to her estranged friend Rachel and begins to try to recover their friendship. With the encouragement of Jacob, Petula begins to confront her fears. But while Petula and the other YART members open up about their lives, Jacob remains secretive about his past. She can't find him online or on social media and he's insistent that their video project not be posted to YouTube. As Petula begins to heal emotionally, she must face some hard truths about her parents and about the boy she loves.

Discussion

Set in Vancouver, B.C. Optimists Die First is the story of a young girl who struggles to cope with a series of challenging situations in her life and with the help of friends eventually arrives on the path to healing and forgiveness. Petula De Wilde and her parents are still attempting to come to terms with the death of her younger sister, Maxine, when her parents decide to separate. In addition to this, Petula discovers the boy whom she is in a serious relationship with is involved in a drunk-driving accident that resulted in the deaths of his two best friends.

This would seem to be a large number of heavy subjects to tackle but Nielsen manages her story well through the use of humour. Optimists Die First is laugh-out-loud funny at times while realistically portraying Petula's struggles. With the death of her sister, Petula has developed rituals to keep herself and her family safe. Maxine's death has taught Petula that life is filled with danger. "Maxine's death had shown me that dangers lurk around every corner. So even if my grief and guilt made it hard for me to get out of bed, I knew I needed to do what I could to keep my parents together and safe. And I had to keep myself safe too...Because I'm it. I'm the only child my parents have left."

Petula's fears are overwhelming and all-encompassing. She hasn't been on a bus or eaten ground beef in two years, she wears mittens to avoid touching public areas with her hands, she plans never to fly, and she won't walk by construction sites. Besides coping with her enormous list of fears, Petula also feels she must be a caretaker to her parents who are also struggling with Maxine's death. Her father is often absent from home and her mother seems obsessed with collecting cats and suffers from depression. Maxine's death has deeply impacted their marriage and despite counseling they seem unable to resolve their issues. This leaves Petula feeling as though she needs to help her parents as they try to maintain some sense of normalcy.

For example when her father complains about how the cats are a priority for Petula's mother rather than the family, Petula quickly intervenes. "I'll clean it up...I vacuumed up all the clumps of cat fur in the living room. I sprayed all surfaces with antibacterial spray and changed the litter boxes. It was part of my strategy: think ahead to things my parents might argue about and try to fix them before they did." On their twentieth wedding anniversary, Petula with the help of Koula, prepares a special evening for her parents, in the hopes that this might help their marriage. Although her parents show much concern for her, it is her relationships with her peers that ultimately help Petula the most.

Nielsen portrays Petula's journey from obsessive fear and guilt towards healing in a gradual and realistic way. Everyone has their part to play in her journey, from her school principal Mr. Watley to Jacob, to Rachel and her companions in YART.  Watley continues to encourage Petula to avoid the triggers for her panic attacks and when necessary pushes her towards involvement in life. Petula's relationship with Jacob and her developing friendships with her peers in YART  help her begin to live again. With Jacob's encouragement, Petula contacts her best friend Rachel in an attempt to reconcile and the two girls begin crafting again. Rachel is patient and allows Petula to gradually come back into her life. Jacob helps Petula confront some of her other fears too.

One of the strengths of Nielsen's novel is the realistic portrayal of her art therapy group YART, which is populated by quirky but believable teens. The YART  teens push Petula to do the things she's avoided for the past two years, such as eating out in restaurants, using public washrooms, and taking public transit.  Eventually Petula's realizes that "Something was shifting in me. I woke up in the mornings and actually looked forward to the day." Petula is even able to visit her friend Rachel and be around her little brother Owen, realizing "This is what I was so afraid of. This little boy."  And she's finally able to look at Maxine's copy of Where the Wild Things Are and cry over Maxine's death.

Confronting her fears allows Petula to help Jacob confront his own. Koula recognizes that Jacob hasn't been honest with the group. "...we've told him a ton. He hasn't told us much at all. It's like we've peeled back all our layers, and he's only peeled back maybe one." Jacob hadn't told Petula or anyone in YART about his past because he was afraid they would see him as "Jacob, the Drunk Driver Who Killed His Friend." However, with encouragement from Petula, she helps Jacob face down his fear and reach out to the friend who survived, Frankie Goorevitch. But before that Petula must forgive Jacob for the lies he's told and for treating her like a charity case just as she has had to forgive herself and realize that Maxine's death was an accident and no fault of hers.

Optimists Die First is filled with the themes of redemption, forgiveness, acceptance and the meaning of friendship. All these themes are woven throughout the novel and extend to almost all the characters. The book takes it's title from Petula's belief that pessimists are the ones who survive because they are constantly wary. Optimists die first because they are incautious. However Jacob points out to her that pessimists live smaller, limited lives but to Petula their lives are safer and longer.

Overall, Optimists Die First is a well written, engaging novel. Very enjoyable, short and to the point.

Book Details:

Optimists Die First by Susin Nielsen
Toronto: Tundra Books      2017
224 pp.

How It Feels To Fly by Kathryn Holmes

How It Feels To Fly explores the complex illness of anorexia and its relationship to anxiety, body image and identity. The novel also explores the effect of parental expectations and peer pressure on teens struggling with anxiety issues. The story focuses on one girl who is part of a group of elite athletes and artists as they struggle to work through their issues over a period of two weeks.

Sixteen year old Samantha Wagner, is an aspiring ballet dancer who has been sent to a counselling camp, Perform at Your Peak in North Carolina, for elite teen artists and athletes with anxiety issues. Samantha's mother was a aspiring dancer whose career was ended by a broken ankle.

The camp director, Dr. Debra Lancaster, is helped by two peer counsellors, Andrew, a former football player and college student majoring in pyschology and Yasmin a vocalist and sophomore at Belmont University in Nashville who suffered from stage fright. Both Andrew and Yasmin are graduates of Dr. Lancaster's therapy.

In the past months, Sam has gained fourteen pounds as her body changes. The weight, gain coupled with pressure from ballet teachers and adjudicators and her mother, has resulted in Sam developing an eating disorder and serious anxiety issues. Then came the panic attack that was witnessed by her ballet instructor, Miss Elise. Backstage before her performance in Paquita, Sam put on Lauren's smaller tutu and freaked out. Concerned about her well-being, Miss Elise spoke with Sam's mother and she was sent to this therapy camp.

Sam is supposed to be attending ballet intensive in two weeks but her participation has been delayed so that she can participate in the therapy camp. Because the camp runs a week into the only ballet intensive that she was accepted into, Sam has been put on the wait list with the expectation that there will be no problems obtaining a spot.

At Perform at Your Peak, the other campers include Jenna who is a figure skater, Zoe who plays tennis, Katie an elite gymnast, Dominic an outstanding quarterback and Omar who is an actor. Dr. Lancaster tells the campers that there will be a group therapy session every day but that they will also spend time in private counselling sessions with her.

After orientation Andrew tells Sam that the camp will help her "to learn how to take good mental care" of herself no matter what career she's in but Sam takes this to mean that Andrew believes she can't become a professional ballet dancer. At the first group therapy session, Andrew and Yasmin tell their stories; how Yasmin found Perform at Your Peak helped her to overcome stage fright and how Andrew discovered that he was playing football to please his father and in the end decided to quit after his freshman season. Dr. Lancaster asks the group to share a time when they each performed at their absolute best. After each shares a specific performance, Sam talks about her performance as the Dewdrop Fairy in the Nutcracker, this past December. Sam states she was told it was the best she had ever danced and that she felt "light and sparkling" and very pretty. Zoe mocks Sam for feeling this way but Dr. Lancaster tells the group that they will be working to get back that feeling of affirmation and well being that they experienced during these good performances.

As part of the therapy, Sam is partnered with Andrew for an exercise where they must be blindfolded and led around by the other person. Sam has Andrew go first and she leads him over to the gazebo while admiring how attractive he is. She learns that Andrew is a college junior, four years older than herself. But when it's her turn and she stumbles into a hole, Sam has a panic attack, blaming Andrew for risking her future career. Andrew is stunned and confronts Sam questioning her about what happened. Trusting Andrew, she admits to the attack and tells him that she was afraid the stumble would cause an injury and destroy her ballet career. Sam convinces Andrew not to tell Dr. Lancaster about the panic attack but to let her do it.

At lunch it becomes apparent that Sam is unable to eat, at least not in front of others. When she tries to hide, she is caught by Dr. Lancaster who makes up a plate of spaghetti for her. Zoe who calls Sam "Ballerina Barbie", and who is bothering everyone, accuses Sam of having an eating disorder. In her next private session Dr. Lancaster questions Sam about her panic attacks, leading Sam to reveal that she had a panic attack while she was with Andrew. She tells Dr. Lancaster that while blindfolded she felt extremely anxious because she couldn't tell if she was being judged by Andrew and that she doesn't like being looked at. She refuses to elaborate much further than that.

Sam begins to get up early both so that the other campers can't see her get dressed and also to spend time with Andrew. In their next group session, Zoe continues to refuse to participate and laughs when Dr. Lancaster assigns the group to create a collage representing a situation that makes each person anxious. Sam's collage has a small figure surrounded by eyes. After discussing the collages, Dr. Lancaster encourages the six teens to reach out to one another telling them, "Your fellow campers can empathize. They can make you feel less alone...They can brainstorm with you. Support you." However, Sam's inner voice tells her that no one can help her. As the days pass, Sam finds herself falling for Andrew, interpreting his touches, the extra time he spends with her and his compliments as a sign that he feels the same. But Sam's crush on Andrew leads to catastrophe for both of them and creates a crisis that changes the course of her life.

Discussion

For the most part, How It Feels To Fly offers a realistic portrayal of what it is like to suffer from an eating disorder and anxiety. Sam's problems surfaced when, as she puts it, her body betrayed her. Sam arrives at Perform at Your Peak viewing her body as an enemy to her dreams of becoming a dancer. She gained fourteen pounds between November and May and this affected her dancing, throwing her balance off and making her pirouettes shaky. The change was so gradual that at first, Sam believed she was just having off days. "Then I noticed soft curves where there used to be straight lines. Roundness and fullness. A hint of an hourglass." She tries to cut calories and exercise more, but the weight gain continued. To hide her imperfect body, she wrapped herself in loose clothing.  However, soon other people noticed, her mother, her teachers and adjudicators and they made remarks. Negative comments began, some direct, some insinuating. "...Tabitha saw me holding a sandwich after ballet class and asked, all fake concern, 'Are you sure you need to eat that?' That's when I stopped eating in front of other dancers..."

Along with the dieting and exercising, Sam's thinking changed and she saw herself in very negative terms. She arrives at the therapy camp with these thoughts overwhelming her.  "Everything about you is wrong. Nothing can make it better. Nothing except --" and "Ugh you're disgusting." She is also in denial about her problems and her need for help. In their first morning group session she thinks to herself "I don't need therapy. I was doing fine on my own." She's trained herself to be good at not talking about her problems, "good at nodding, and changing the subject, and pretending I don't hear things. And smiling, always smiling."  Her inner voice is strong, constant and derogatory. "Even transparent, you're fat. Look at you. You're disgusting..."

However Dr. Lancaster notices Sam's eating issues and Sam experiences a panic attack almost immediately, proof that she is not coping well. Although Sam is reluctant to talk to Dr. Lancaster she does do the assigned exercises: the art therapy and the journaling. All of this is well portrayed in the novel and the interactions between the various characters and their dialogue with one another is realistic and sometimes humorous, creating welcome comic relief.

A key factor in Sam's rapid recovery is her relationship with Andrew, a well meaning peer counselor who inadvertently stirs Sam's infatuation for him by helping Sam see herself differently. He tells her she is beautiful and that she is not fat. Although Andrew's advice is good for Sam, he doesn't recognize her growing attachment. And Sam reads far more into Andrews actions than she should. "As we walk back to the Perform at Your Peak house, Andrew stays beside me. I wish we were holding hands. I wish he had his arm around my waist. Once I start thinking about his hands, his arms, I get this picture in my head of us dancing together. I bet he'd be a great dance partner. Strong, attentive, gentle."

Andrew is unaware of Sam's infatuation and he oversteps his bounds by encouraging Sam to sneak out at night to teach him to how partner her. This only makes things worse. "The next morning, I can't stop thinking about Andrew. His eyes catching the moonlight. His bright smile turned intimate, like it was designed especially for me...Did he feel the sparks I felt? Is he thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him?" But when Sam takes matters into her own hands and tries to kiss him, Andrew realizes too late his mistake. Their improper relationship leads to Andrew getting fired and Sam relapsing.  It is this crisis and the loss of her spot at the ballet intensive that motivates her to try one last time to get into the ballet intensive. This gutsy action ultimately provides Sam with a new opportunity to rethink her place in the world of dance and take the "leap across the gulf" that Dr. Lancaster spoke to her about. It also leads to her finally confronting her mother about how she is hurting Sam.

Perhaps the one misleading aspect of this novel is that it presents an overly optimistic view of the treatment of eating and anxiety disorders. Although Kathryn Holmes in an interview with EpicReads has stated that "Sam does not have a full blown eating disorder" the constant voice in her head telling her body is ugly, the rituals and behaviours around food, and the restriction of food are indicative of anorexia. Sam also admits later in the book to having made herself vomit months earlier and attempts to do so again but for the intervention of a fellow camper. She also has body dysmorphia as evidenced by her struggle to find body parts that she actually likes.

Teens struggling with eating disorders and the usual accompanying anxiety issues generally do not show the significant improvement over such a short period of therapy as Sam did. Therapy takes time to change negative thinking patterns because they often have their roots in other issues that must be dealt with. The rituals like counting food, eating alone, rearranging food on the plate and eating exactly what someone else eats are all coping strategies to try to hide the illness and stop the pressure being placed on the anorexic to eat. These also do not disappear within a two week time frame. Similarly with anxiety issues, patients must learn coping strategies to help them. These also take time. It also takes time to  build a rapport with a therapist, even meeting daily for a week. Sam seems to do this quickly, perhaps as Dr. Lancaster states because she is removed from the environment that is the cause of her stress and anxiety.

Holmes does a good job of demonstrating how dancers in particular are susceptible to developing body dysmorphia and anorexia. There is not only the change in her body, but the pressure from Sam's mother and the attitude of  teachers and coaches in dance and athletics towards those who don't fit the desired body type. For example, Sam's mother is determined that her daughter will become a professional ballet dancer and have the career she never had. Although she doesn't directly criticize Sam, she implies that eating foods like meatballs and fajitas is not healthy. She tells Sam, "I know I can count on you to make good choices." When her mother admonishes her for eating a fajita, Sam feels guilt for not asking for a salad. Instead of affirming Sam's choice to eat healthy, her mother launches into a lecture about learning to adapt, leaving Sam in tears. And when Sam loses her spot in the ballet intensive, her mother doesn't really take the time to assess how Sam is feeling and what she is thinking. She doesn't even stop to think that perhaps this might be a sign that Sam needs to find another form of dance more suitable to her body type instead of trying to mold Sam's body into that of a classical dancer. She launches into a plan that will focus on Sam training even harder, leading Sam to more extreme behaviours. Holmes also points out how unforgiving the dance world is towards those whose body type is not considered suitable. For example, Sam remembers when she had to provide her current weight on an audition form and there was a caveat that mentioned overweight or underweight dancers would be on probation. This led Sam to wonder "...how heavy was too heavy? What was the exact right number?"

One of the main strengths of How It Feels To Fly is the realistic characters and their developing relationships with each other. For example, Sam manages to help Katie overcome her fear of the balance beam, providing a source of support for her. And Jenna, whom Sam spends time doing ballet with at the camp, steps up to help Sam when she is in crisis, revealing her own struggles with cutting. The characters feel genuine and their problems real.

Holmes' message in her novel is to make young readers aware they are not alone and that others can be a source of support. Fighting body dysmorphia and anxiety does not have to be done alone and is often successful if the person has patient, affirming support. She also highlights the belief that eating disorders are generally the result of a need for control by having Sam come to this realization at the end of the novel. "My epic realization that maybe everything -- my anxiety, my body image issues, all of it -- comes from wanting to feel in control."  

Later on, a wiser Sam states
"I'm not good at letting go and moving forward. Not yet. 
I'm still so attached to Before. So anxious about After.
But I'm working on changing. I'm trying to focus on
Now...
Someone in the room might be staring at me. Might be judging me.
That I can't control."

Author Kathryn Holmes majored in Dance and English Literature at Goucher College in Maryland. She's a contemporary dancer who has performed with many New York City based choreographers.

How It Feels To Fly is a really good novel. Although the timeline for Sam's recovery is a bit swift, the process and the things she learns about her illness are well presented and accurate. Those who enjoy realistic fiction and who are interested in exploring one of the most common mental health challenges teens experience will want to read this novel.

Book Details:

How It Feels To Fly by Kathryn Holmes
New York: HarperTeen     2016
359 pp.